A version of 1 2 Oatmeal made by Framed's Junk on youtube.
1, 2, Oatmeal, Kirby is wanted on 4 counts of homicide and seven counts of grand theft larceny. Kirby was last seen in Dreamland sucking off Bark from these weird face-trees. Officers tried to detain Kirby, but he managed to escape by eating them whole. There were absolutely no survivors, but, we managed to recover this information off off the live feed of one of our officer's bodycams. We believe that Kirby's current motives are to overtake King Dedede and, quote, "Wear his ass like a helmet". We can only speculate the motives. His partner, Meta Knight was also seen blowing a guy in the alley. If you see Kirby, do not approach him. If he offers you oatmeal, he's trying to fuck you. Do NOT approach him. He will get inside of you any way he can. He is a dangerous and lethal character. Do not go near him. I know this firsthand, because when I was in the field, and he was just a new suspect, I thought "Oh, that's just a little pink blob, he's not gonna do anything". But I was wrong. Dead wrong. When I first saw Kirby I approached him as a normal traffic stop by thinking, you know, just a normal run in the mill traffic stop, he was going 125 miles in the school zone, normally 10 miles, but that's fine. I figured I might just give him a 20$ fine, just give him a pat on the back and say "Hey, don't do that again". But when I approached Kirby to tell him his misjustice that he performed that day, that he enacted, I asked him "Why did you do it? Did you know that you were 125 mph? In a kid's playground? In a school zone?", and what he said next, I will NEVER be able to shake off my memory. He looked at me, and he just said nothing. He smiled. I said "Sir. Are you intoxicated?". And he said to me "khhhhhhkhhkkhkhsmlksmlksmlk". And then it happened. No, what are you doing? That's my dick! No! NOOOOOOOOO!
I haven't had a dick ever since. My wife, she... She left me... So... If any of our officers see Kirby, you SHOOT HIM. YOU KILL HIM DEAD! Okay? He took my fucking DICK. YOU KILL HIM. SHOOT HIM IN THE GODDAMN LITTLE PINK FUCKING BUTTHOLE THINGS HE CALLS HIS FUCKING ARMS, AND LEGS, WHATEVER THE FUCK- KIRBY, I HATE KIRBY, YOU NEED TO KILL HIM. HE IS A THREAT. GOT IT?!